I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
