he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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