This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
