My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
