Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
