Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
