I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
