This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
