Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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