It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
