Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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