So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
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Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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