His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
