My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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