I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
