turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
