I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
