True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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