No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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