tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
