I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
