i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
