Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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