My cat gives me a boner
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
