Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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