If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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