your room smells of hookers.
And success
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
