I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
