I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
