All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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