I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
