You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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