god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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