please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
