I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
