I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
