I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
