I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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