Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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