Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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