Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
