I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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