Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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