I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
