she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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