Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
