I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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