Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
