im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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