i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think I sprained my soul last night
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
