I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
