Only a mothe r could love this liver
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
