Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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