i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
FUCK WHALES
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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