im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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