roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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