I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
