She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
