On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
wow bdsm is so cute
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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