Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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